Did your parents find your husband for you? Was your marriage arranged? These questions are often asked in a derogatory and condescending manner. However, if the questioner only knew the value of such marital arrangements, he'd be pleading for a family member of his own to arrange a marriage for himself.
When problems occur in a marriage Allah says in Quran to find a member from each side of the family to help resolvee the issue.
Quran 4:35 And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things]
The other day I heard a story being told on Public Radio. An Asian non-Muslim couple were saying that they were breaking away from family tradition. They had decided to arange and pay for their own marriage. The young woman's parents weren't satisfied with the man she wanted to marry. the young woman stated that this was her life and she should be able to marry whomever she wished.
True. It is her life. Should she be able to marry whomever she wishes? Welll . . . I'm not so sure about that. There is no doubt that some men are better husband material than others. And there is no doubt that some women are oblivious to the unsuitable characteristics of some men.
It is truly a blessing and mercy from Allah that Islam requires a woman to have a mahram to give her away in marriage. This is a protection for her against making one of the biggest mistakes in her life. A mistake that can effect her emotionally, mentally and even in some cases. . . physically.
Men know men in a way that women do not. They can see things in a man that a woman may overlook or be too infatuated to admit.
that being said, there is another reason why arranged marriages are beneficial for both marital partners. When marital problems arise, as mentioned above, Allah says the parties should get members from either side to help resolve the issue.
The parents of the husband and wife are the ones who will have to become involved in the marital discord between the two spouses. So in some respects, the marriage is not only between the husband and wife, but in some respects it is between the two families.
And if a divorce does occur, the in-laws are the ones who will be responsible for the wife and in some situations her children as well.
In-laws are human. And if they were opposed to the marriage in the first place, it is very likely that "I told you so" will be a phrase that the divorced parties will hear quite often.
Unlike, a marriage that the in-laws condoned. They will more likely be empathetic and understanding of the couples plight.
The following is an interesting perspective on the benefit of arranged marriages and of the woman having a mahram to marry her. It is taken from Islamic World Website:
Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar.
Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).
Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual’s character and behaviour, and looks out for your best interest in general.This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.
For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.
However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision.
They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.
Always ask for references
This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate’s references.A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.
A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.
The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab can help in this regard: A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?” “No.” “Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?” “No.” “Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams (money) which would indicate the piety of the man?” “No.” “I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?” “Yes.” “Go, for you do not know him...” And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)
This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate’s character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.1
1 http://www.islamic-world.net/: Purpose and Obligations
Grandma Jeddah's Successfull Muslim Marriage provides Muslim mothers with the wisdom and ways to stay married . . . through the difficult times, Insha'Allah. Visit her website and store for more helpful tips on Staying Together
