Coping with Polygamy

 

Coping with Polygamy:

A First Wife’s Jihad

 

 

 

 

 

Umm Janna

 

Coping with Polygamy: A First Wife’s Jihad

By Umm Janna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summit Garden Press

Los Angeles, California

 

Coping with Polygamy: A First Wife’s Jihad

Creative Commons

Public Domain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION………..7

THE SHOCK…………7

THE DEPRESSION………..10

CONTROLLING ANGER…………16

PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER………..19

SEEKING SUPPORT………………..25

COPING WITH A CO-WIFE……….28

EFFECT ON CHILDREN……..36

SURVIVORS……..40

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bismillah Arahman Araheem

 

All praise is due to Allah the Most High.  May peace and blessings be upon His Prophet, Muhammad. 

First, I’d like to make it clear that I am no Islamic scholar.  I have been a Muslim for over three decades—and I hope my life experiences in trying to please Allah will be of some benefit to my sisters who read this book, insha’Allah.

The proper word for a marriage where only the man may marry more than one spouse is polygany.  I have chosen to use the word that is most commonly understood for this type of marriage—polygamy--to aid in connotation and smoother flow of reading.

To avoid revealing my identity, I will be vague in some forms of information that would otherwise be specific.  I’ve been Muslim for over 30 years.  I’ve been in polygamy for a majority of those years.  My purpose in writing Coping with Polygamy: A First Wife’s Jihad is that I felt it was needed.  When my husband took a second wife, words cannot explain the deep hurt, pain, anguish and shame that I felt.  Because I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, I was hesitant to discuss with other sisters who were in polygamy the problems I was experiencing.  I’m sure there are many other sisters who have found themselves in a situation similar to mine and who feel the same way.  So I wrote this book to help sisters who may find themselves struggling in polygamy like me.

I feel it important to say that this book is written from the perspective of a first wife.  Many of the experiences that a first wife goes through, the additional wives do also.  However, the first wife’s position is very unique in that her initial inception into the polygamous relationship is generally one of extreme difficulty of which she would prefer not to enter into if given a choice. Whereas, the additional wife generally is a willing participant in such situations. Also, the first wife generally has nothing to gain from the marriage.  She is actually losing her husband in some respects and also loses social status. The second wife on the other hand has something to gain in the relationship.  She obtains a new husband and generally a higher status as a result. For the second wife the marriage is usually one of happiness, whereas for the first wife it is a time of possibly one of the biggest hardships of her life. 

I hope and pray that Allah Most High accepts this as a sincere effort to please Him by trying to ease the burden of others.  I hope that my intentions are sincere and may Allah Most High forgive me for anything that I may have written or said that is unacceptable to Him, for I am truly fallible and only human.  I ask the reader to please make du’a that Allah blesses me in this and forgives me my sins.  May He forgive you all your sins, as well.

 

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION

In this book you will not find extensive arguments regarding Islamic judgments on polygamy, for I am no Islamic scholar.  Nor will you find information on the benefits of polygamy for men who are overly sexually endowed or whose wives are barren or ill.  All of that and more can be found in almost any general book on Islam written by Muslims.

What you will find in this book, insha’Allah, is how it feels to be in polygamy as a first wife.  You will see how a wife’s life is turned upside down and changed overnight from a life that is familiar, to one that is full of turmoil.  You will find, insha’Allah, that polygamy presents an enormous trial for the first wife that is placed in it.  You will also find, insha’Allah, that as difficult as polygamy may be, Allah, glory be to Him the Most High, may bless good to come from such a hardship.

 

THE SHOCK

The intensity and persistence of the pain and hurt that I felt when my husband took another wife was unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my life.  Most of us probably associate the most difficult trial of all with the loss of a loved one.  When I first began writing this book, about 13 years ago, I hadn’t lost anyone in my family that was very close to me.  Since then I have; that was certainly a difficult period in my life. Every situation is different, though, and everyone’s reality is different. For me, polygamy continues to be the most difficult trial I have ever had to deal with.  We thank Allah for the good and the bad.

I remember quite vividly the day my husband broke the news to me.  My husband, children and I were riding home in the car.  As we pulled up into the driveway for my husband to let us out before he parked, he said, “I’m marrying the sister.”  I suddenly felt numb and dazed, robot-like.  I got out of the car, unlocked the front door and entered the house.  I felt almost like in a dream world.  I can recall waiting for him to say he was just kidding.  But he never did.

The first night was the most traumatic of all, although many other nights and days competed closely.  Because I was still pretty much in shock, the reality of what this all meant to me hadn’t really set in.  What I did realize was a gut wrenching agony, loneliness and sadness.  The loneliness was beyond loneliness where I wished for companionship.  It was a loneliness of emptiness, one of loss.  It was at this point that I realized that I had no one but my Lord—Allah.

I do not recall sleeping at all that entire night.  I made dhikr almost continuously.  When I wasn’t making dhikr I was making salat and dua.  And through all of it I cried…probably the whole night through.

For every pain that a Muslim experiences even the pricking of his finger with a thorn, some of his sins are forgiven. (Bukhari)

Some people feel they are being weak if they cry.  But according to one hadith, the Prophet (saw) cried when he was saddened.  And he is the best of models.  When the son of The Prophet’s daughter was dying, she sent for The Prophet (saw).  He sent a message back for her to be patient.  She sent for him again.  He then met her and held the baby.  Tears fell from his eyes.  His companion asked, “Oh Rasullulah, what is this?”  He said, “They are tears of mercy.  And Allah does not have mercy on those who do not have mercy.” (Bukhari)

Grief and sadness are normal reactions to the loss of something that is dear to us.  It is normal to cry.  It is normal to be sad.  But it is also a time to be highly conscience of Shaitan.  Shaitan is a sworn adversary of man, and he knows our weaknesses.  This is an opportune time for him to take advantage of our vulnerabilities. That evening, before my husband left to marry his second wife, I recall making a conscious choice to either go into a raging fit or be patient.  Allah Most High blessed me and helped me to be patient.  According to a hadith, The Prophet (saw) said:

Patience is at the first strike of calamity. (Bukhari)

I have had many weak moments since that first day.  But I feel that one of the reasons Allah has blessed me to hold on to His rope rather than let go is because of the patience that He allowed me to have at the first moments of my calamity.  And Allah knows best.

The importance of remembering Allah at this initial time cannot be over emphasized.  The Prophet (saw) has given us du’as to say at the time of trials. According to hadith some du’as for distress are:

Oh Allah:  In thy mercy I have hope.  So leave me not to myself for one instant, and set right my affairs.  There is no God but You. (Abu Daud)

 

Oh You Living Eternal One! To Your mercy I Appeal! (Tirmidhi)

 

There is no deity but Allah, The Magnificent, The Clement.  There is no Deity except Allah.  Lord of The Magnificent Throne.  There is no Deity but Allah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth, Lord of the Glorious Throne! (Bukhari, Muslim)

When going through a trial as difficult as polygamy, we need all the weapons and defenses we can gather to help stay focused on why we are here in the first place—to worship Allah.

One of the most trying situations I experienced was when I saw my husband’s second wife the next day after they were married.  Although all sorts of things passed through my mind as to what I would like to have said, Allah blessed me to be patient.  When you ask Allah over and over to bless you to be strong, you may be surprised at how strong He can make you.  He truly has power over all things.  I wanted to spend as little time as possible with her at this time, or anyone else for that matter.  Although I felt resentment and betrayed, for some reason I can remember pushing myself to be very sociable with the sister.  Years later I would opt for a relationship that was more distant and dis-involved.  I will explain why later.

THE DEPRESSION

After the initial shock subsided somewhat, I went into a deep and long depression.  I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and rejected.  How could he have married someone else unless there was something wrong with me?  I had low self-esteem.  He does not love me anymore.  She has taken my place.  For the most part, during the initial period, Allah blessed me to remain in control of my emotions and maintain my dignity in front of others when I attended masjid functions and other gatherings within my community.  This was a very difficult period for me because almost every community activity that I attended the other sister was also there. Although I tried to conceal my feelings in public, at home is where I let most of my pain and hurt show.

Initially I did not completely comprehend how long and tiresome the journey in polygamy would be.  Fortunately, Allah blessed me to have spurts of energy filled with generosity and kindness towards the other sister in the beginning.  I am not saying there were not times that my feelings of anger and resentment did not come through.  There were certainly times that I behaved in a way that I would not consider most favorable as a Muslim sister.  But overall, when I consider the intensity of the feelings that I felt at that time, and compare that with how I interacted with the sister, I conclude that my actions were generous indeed, by the mercy of Allah.

All of these feelings of discouragement, loss of love, betrayal and humiliation are natural. But what is important is how we handle these extremely uncomfortable feelings.  The best among us are those who are most obedient to Allah.  Everything ultimately refers back to our religion.  Although a sister may feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed, her dignity and honor is in obeying her Creator, Allah.  It’s certainly hard at a difficult time such as this for a sister to focus on the true reality.  In addition, Shaitan and the natural emotional nature of women work against reason.  But the true reality is that everything we have in this world is a gift from Allah.  We are to use these gifts in Allah’s service.  If he chooses to take some or all of these gifts away from us, we must remember that He is the Most Just, Most Merciful. According to a hadith The Prophet (saw) said:

“If any person suffers from a calamity and says, (Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un) To Allah we belong and to Allah we will all return. Oh Allah, reward me for this affliction and bless me with something better in return, then Allah in His Power and Glory will grant him this.

These du’as and sections from Quran that aid us in adversity are like prescriptions, insha’Allah, for the emotional sickness and turmoil we are experiencing.

Polygamy is an enormous jihad.  It is a struggle that is ongoing and tedious.  At times, a sister may feel so discouraged that she feels she’d prefer not living.  There is a hadith in which The Prophet (saw) said, “A Muslim should not wish for death, however, instead he should ask Allah ‘If it is best for me to live let me live, and if it is best for me to die let me die.’” (Bukhari)

We want our last deeds to be our best deeds.  We also want to die when our faith is strongest and we have more good deeds than bad deeds.  May Allah bless us to die in a state where He will be pleased with us and we will be pleased with Him. 

We should try our best not to despair of Allah’s mercy.  Often good comes from undesirable situations. And one of the hidden benefits or rewards of many trials is that we grow closer to Allah.  In these materialistic societies in which many of us live, spiritual benefits are not considered of much value.  However, when we think about our purpose in life, we realize it is an invaluable gift.

Along with the previously mentioned feelings and emotions that a first wife may have is the feeling of a loss of identity. Although we may be Muslims, there are other roles and labels that we identify ourselves with in our daily lives.  Some of us are mothers, daughters, sisters, teachers, doctors and of course—wives.  Adapting to the loss of one role and the gaining of another role can be difficult.  Adjusting to such an undesirable role as sharing your husband can be tumultuous.  A wife must now adjust to the difficult novelty of sharing her husband with another woman.  She must accustom herself to the new lifestyle of her husband being away from her home every other night with someone else.  Now she is no longer his only wife, but she must share this title with another woman. 

In the earlier years of living in polygamy, I reminisced often about how much better and different things were in the past.  When problems arose from the polygamous situation, I’d frequently attribute them to the new sister.   Any arguments with my husband, jeers and hurtful remarks regarding my being in polygamy from others, or feelings of inferiority were considered her fault. A first wife tends to feel and think that if the sister hadn’t married her husband she wouldn’t have to be going through all this.  But we must remember that everything that was to happen to us was decreed before we were born.  There is no doubt that people are responsible for their actions and do play a part in things that occur.  But ultimately, nothing happens without Allah’s permission. 

 

The following dua has a lot of meaning when we try to put our life into its proper perspective.

Allah is sufficient for me and what an excellent guardian He is. (Bukhari)

This is such a wonderful dua, because no matter what happens to us in life, we know that Allah is in charge of our affairs.  And He is the best to take care of our situation and problems for us.  We just have to be patient and continue to ask for His help.  This effort can be very hard, especially, during times when we are feeling distraught.

I had asked for a “divorce” several times from my husband. This was done during the earlier periods of my difficulty with polygamy.  That is not to say I do not contemplate divorce even now.  The pain, turmoil and unfathomable adjustment just seemed too difficult to bear.  I can see the wisdom in divorce not being in the hands of the wife.  I knew inside that I didn’t really want it.  I just wanted my husband to feel my pain and anguish and I wanted the hurt to go away.

When a first wife thinks about the hardship she is feeling from polygamy, she must keep in mind that Allah Most High knows His creation better than the creation knows itself.  He knows why He has made some things permissible and others forbidden—even if we do not.  He knows the emotional disposition of the woman, for He created her.  He could have made her character different if He had chosen to.  Although it may be hard or almost impossible for a first wife to see the wisdom of polygamy for the first wife, she must suffice it to believe that Allah is sufficient to maintain her affairs.  And she must put her trust in Him.

One of several recourses some sisters take in response to their pain is going into seclusion.  This seems to be the road I have taken. I am not necessarily recommending this for anyone, but it is a choice.  Even though I was somewhat shy in the past, polygamy presented so many emotional and social conflicts for me in public that being a hermit seemed a reasonable solution. I personally call it being a hermit.  Some may see staying home often as a positive Islamic characteristic for Muslim women.  Everyone is different, and everyone has different needs.   People are inclined to various coping mechanisms, and everyone has a unique personality type.

I found myself growing less sociable as time went by.  I would often sit by myself when in public gatherings, reflecting on and contemplating my situation.  I would sit, staring straight ahead in thought.  Once when I was sitting in a waiting room while visiting the doctor, someone made the comment to me, “You look like you just lost your husband.”  Amazing!  Apparently the anguish in my face was so obvious.  It is interesting the person chose to use those specific words to describe what they’d seen in my facial expression, because polygamy is a loss—a loss of so many things.  It is a loss of social status, a loss of being the sole affection of your husband, a loss of normalcy in one’s life pattern and to some degree, yes, a loss of your husband himself.

My depression led to daily, and I mean daily, crying spells.  I spent so much time in my room lying in bed that I still today regret that I was unable to give my children much of the attention they needed at that time.  I can see how an extended family of grandparents and aunts would have been a great benefit to them in order to fill the void, and Allah knows best.

CONTROLLING ANGER

The strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry. (Bukhari & Muslim)

 

A man asked the Prophet to give him some advice and he said: Do not be angry. The man repeated the question several times and he (saw) replied, “Do not be angry.” (Bukhari)

At some point almost every first wife will feel deep-seated rage in her polygamous relationship.  Often this anger is directed towards her husband.  The wife wonders “How could he do this to me if he loves me?  He must know how I feel about this.  He’s only concerned about himself and not my feelings.”  Whatever the reason why a husband takes a second wife, be it philanthropic reasons or to fulfill his self-desires, the first wife will be highly inclined towards anger, simply because of the nature of a polygamous marriage.  No matter how nice a second wife may be, no matter how fair a husband may behave, no matter what reason a husband gives for marrying a second wife, a wife does not want to share her husband with another woman.

It takes an enormous amount of determination and faith to control the outbursts that a situation such as polygamy can provoke.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) has said that the majority of people in the hellfire will be women.   When asked why, he said because they are ungrateful to their husbands.  And when he does something wrong, they say, you never do such and such. (Bukhari) 

Even though we may feel our husband has hurt us greatly we still have an obligation to Allah to give him his rights.  Controlling one’s anger is an area in which a first wife must contend with on a continual basis, for the feelings of anger occur quite frequently in polygamy.  According to one hadith, the Prophet (saw) told us to say the following when we are angry: “I seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan the accursed.” (Bukhari)

It was explained to me that not getting angry meant not acting on this anger, for anger is a natural emotion that we all have at some time or another.  Acting when we are angry is what leads to trouble.  When angry, we may say things and do things that we may regret later.

It is said that our Prophet (saw) has told us if we are standing when angry, sit down.  If we are sitting when angry, lie down. (Bukhari) I’ve noticed that some times people naturally do this in an attempt to calm themselves down. 

Thus, the first step when the feeling of anger starts to creep up on you is to calm yourself down or at least not to do anything rash until you have calmed down.  Later, you might explain to your husband what exactly you are feeling. Explain that you feel angry, unloved, jealous, hurt.  Most husbands, I would imagine, have a limited idea of the difficulty the wife is going through.  They may be open to discussing the problems if they are expressed calmly. I have found that conversations between my husband and I have been most productive when I am not too emotional. Frequent and long drawn-out conversations were quite common between my husband and me during the earlier years of polygamy.  The first wife in polygamy is in frequent need of much reassurance during the marriage.

Some sisters may feel more comfortable writing out their frustrations and feelings in a letter and then presenting this to their husbands. This act of writing actually relieves some of the anxiety and tension and also provides a means of conveying the sister’s thoughts to her husband without much conflict.

Some of these suggestions may sound a bit idealistic and unrealistic to one who is feeling such intense negative feelings of hurt and anger.  However, idealism is something that we all can strive for.  No one is perfect.  We are all struggling and striving to please Allah in our own personal endeavors.  Whenever your behavior or deeds fall short of what you would prefer, pick yourself up and try again.  Ask Allah the Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful to forgive you for your shortcomings.  Ask Him to strengthen you in your patience and faith.  Never give up!  Remember--this is a test. Sometimes you will do well, other times you may do poorly.  Learn from your mistakes and you will become a better Muslim, insha’Allah.

If you find that you have transgressed against your husband or the other sister, remember to make dua for those you have transgressed against.  You may also choose to send a gift or food over to the sister’s home for the pleasure of Allah.  Polygamy is a situation that allows a sister to truly put into practice loving a person only for the sake of Allah.

From what I have read, the more difficult an action is to perform, the greater the reward.  A first wife has many opportunities to receive great rewards, because there will be many situations in which you feel upset with your husband and the other sister.  Because you feel your husband has hurt you so greatly, you may want to hurt him emotionally.  When you feel like this, remember –if you can be patient, you will have great rewards.  These rewards will, insha’Allah, be greater than if you had done the good deeds because you wanted to please him out of love for him.  When you love someone and you are pleased with him, it is easy to be kind to him.  But when you feel betrayed and hurt by someone, you feel less inclined to please that person.  Being obedient and pleasant during these times will earn a greater reward, insha’Allah

 

PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

I looked up “ease” in an English dictionary and the first definition said freedom from difficulty, the second said to make less troublesome.   This second definition is what occurs after some time in polygamy. Your difficulty is lessened.    The first wife who is in polygamy will eventually find periods of time where the anguish of polygamy is lessened.   First, moments, then hours, then whole days will be spent where the sister will feel that everything is under control.  She may begin to feel that maybe she is learning to live with this trial.  I intentionally said live, because with me I never really got over the difficulties of living in polygamy, even after being in it for over 15 years.  It is just something that I have learned to cope with. At one point in the beginning, I thought I would never be happy again.  For a long period of time I could not laugh out loud.  I might smile at something but I could not laugh.  Nothing seemed worth laughing about.

After I began having periods where I felt I was coping quite well with my problems, situations would occur where I would go into a tailspin and revert back into my earlier stages of depression.  It could be something simple--relatively simple--such as seeing the two together.  Or it could be something more serious such as finding out that the other wife is pregnant or that she has had a baby.  Whatever this something may be, it can totally throw the first wife back into a state of melancholy.  Some may call it post traumatic stress disorder (similar to what soldiers go through).  The experience is certainly after a trauma and it definitively involves a lot of stress.   By the mercy of Allah this occurs less frequently as time goes on and soon the periods of tranquility will increase and the periods of mental anguish will decrease, insha’Allah.  All praise is due to Allah Most Merciful.

For the sister who has survived to the point where she feels in control of her emotions most of the time and her days of coping out number her days of feeling almost hopeless, Mashaa Allah There is no Power or Might except with Him.  It is very likely that you will personally notice some spiritual growth and an increase in patience.   

Around this time, some sisters who felt more comfortable in seclusion may begin venturing out again to sisters’ gatherings and social functions.  I want to say that there is no set time for when a sister should begin feeling more social or better emotionally.  Everyone is different. Attending outside activities can serve as a benefit but can also be frustrating.  Participating in activities with sisters can help take your mind off your immediate problems to some degree.  And getting involved in masjid activities can aid in helping you feel useful, which may help with low self-esteem.

On the other hand, going out in public opens you up to encounters with the second wife, which may present emotional pressure.  Also, you may have to face busy bodies who are eager to question you about your situation.  These curiosity seekers may not have felt comfortable calling you on the phone to ask their personal questions—although some have no reservations at all.  They may, however, have little problem questioning you in public. Thus, you may wish to practice or have several lines you plan to use to address these questions.  Some sisters don’t mind discussing their polygamous relationship.  Others, however, are very sensitive to any discussion regarding it.  One simple phrase that I have used is “That’s something personal that I don’t care to discuss.” Most people will get the message, insha’Allah.

Regarding encounters with the other sister, think of it this way; she is like any other sister, some you are close to and some you are not. Islamically speaking we have an obligation as Muslims to at least give salaams to one another.  And the one who gives it first is the better Muslim. According to another hadith the Prophet (saw) said:

“It is not allowable for a man to keep apart from his brother more than three days.  The one turning away and the other turning away when they meet.  The better of the two is the one who is the first to give a greeting. (Bukhari, Muslim)

May Allah The Most High give us the strength to please Him and forgive us our shortcomings.

Once you feel that your life is somewhat getting back under control, a good idea is to look into developing old interests or hobbies.  This can serve many valuable purposes.  First, it gives you something constructive to direct your energies into.  Anger and jealousy can be quite draining on a person.  Substituting positive activities for these negative feelings will help you feel better emotionally, insha'Allah. Also these activities can be indulged in whenever you feel angry or jealous.  Having an alternative to channel one's anger and negative feelings into can help the healing process, insha’Allah.

After I’d been in polygamy for about a year, I began writing for a local Islamic magazine.  This was a huge emotional uplift for me.  Seeing my article actually printed in a “real” magazine for the first time gave me a thrill I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Some people enjoy drawing or painting.  Both of these are great stress reducers. Needlework, baking, sewing, embroidery are all areas that can be indulged in or developed.  Volunteering in local Islamic schools, organizations and groups are also possibilities.  Any of these activities can help rebuild low self-esteem and provide productive activities to involve one's self in.  Participation doesn’t have to be in the community or masjid from which you may belong.  You may prefer to involve yourself in an Islamic environment where others don’t know you or your situation. 

Another way to try to get your life back on track is to refocus on your children. When I was growing up as a child, I remember hearing many times people saying if it weren’t for their children they wouldn’t have been able to make it through their difficult times, of course by the mercy of Allah.  During the initial stages of polygamy, I was not as attentive to my children as I wish I might have been due to my intense grief.  After some time, though, in trying to compensate for my loss from polygamy, I began spending more time with my children.  All of my children began sleeping in my room when my husband took his second wife.  This simple act of their sleeping in my room eventually led to long conversations with my children during bedtime.  Discussions of their day and personal concerns would be shared at this time. Stories of when I was a child or when I first became a Muslim also popped up over the years.  All of these personal interactions helped to build and strengthen our relationship and at the same time distract me from my worries.

A very important piece of the puzzle in trying to put things back together is your health.  During the initial stages of polygamy you may have been either eating very little or over-eating due to your personal problems.  Initially, I lost a lot of weight that was very visible and obvious. Now is a good time to reflect on your personal health.  It is said that The Prophet (saw) has said that our bodies have a right over us.  Take a good look at your daily meals.  Are they balanced?  Maybe you should start taking multivitamins or herbal remedies to build up nutrients you may have lost due to high stress. A well balanced diet is even more important when experiencing life’s stresses.  An improvement in your diet may aid in your ability to cope better, too.

If you’ve lost too much weight and wish to regain (highly unlikely these daysJ) try to eat more nutritious foods that are higher in calories.  If you’ve gained too many pounds, try cutting out some of the extra sweets.  I have found personally that processed white sugar and also caffeine can wreak havoc on my emotional state.  In a situation as serious as polygamy, you want to function optimally in all areas, both physically and emotionally.

Exercising is an excellent activity to begin, also.  Studies have shown that exercising increases endorphins, the natural chemicals that make you feel good.  A search on the Internet or a visit to the library will probably have all you need on starting an exercise program.  And don’t forget one of the simplest yet rewarding exercises of all—walking.

Of course eating properly and exercising may not only have a positive effect on your health, it may also have an additional benefit.  With a concerted effort and personal plan it may also improve your appearance.  You don’t have to look like a model to be attractive.  Small improvements are a beginning to making you feel and look good.  And feeling good about yourself is very important in coping with your trial.

Another area you should direct interest towards is Islamic studies.  The more you know about your religion the better equipped you will be to handle life’s crises.  Polygamy is one problem in life that you are facing right now.  If Allah blesses us to live long enough, we may see other tests in our lives--our loved ones may die, our health may decline, and the list can go on and on, may Allah protect us from these trials.  Allah says in Quran, “Don’t think you can say you believe and not be tested.”  He also says “You have been created to see which of you are best in deeds.”  It may be that Allah ta ala is preparing us for bigger tests—And Allah knows best.

Many of us have small Islamic libraries in our homes that we can benefit from.  There are many sites on the internet that have lectures and printable material that we can use to help build our faith and emotional and spiritual strength, insha’Allah, during this enormously trying time.  It is said that the prophet (saw) said the search of knowledge is an obligation laid on every Muslim. (Ibn Majah and Baihaqi) Taking Arabic lessons or purchasing self-teaching books on Arabic can help in personal development as well.  And of course learning new suras is a most valuable pursuit.  Let us not forget that reading the Quran can be a healer.

It is said that no one ever really recovers from grief; they just learn to survive it.

 

SEEKING SUPPORT

About a year after I was in polygamy I wondered why I was still sad.  I should be over it by now I thought.  How long will it take before I feel normal again?  I had many questions.  I knew a couple of sisters who were in polygamy from my masjid that I could have discussed my situation with. But polygamy is a very peculiar situation (my anonymity is a testament to this). Because of the shame and embarrassment I felt, I was ashamed to ask for help.  I also felt it might be a sign of weakness.

Some sisters may be less inhibited in consulting others for help.  But for those who are uncomfortable with people knowing who you are, you might seek out alternative means of getting support.  Anonymously calling students of knowledge or scholars is an option. Calling reputable leaders of other masjids is also an alternative.  Most masjids have representatives who can give counseling for problems.  Seeking out sisters of other communities who are also in polygamy can be extremely helpful.  Who better to understand what you’re going through than someone who has had the same experience? 

Some sisters who have been in polygamy for a substantial period of time are eager to help others who are new into polygamy.  Unlike curiosity seekers who simply want to pry into one’s personal affairs, sisters needing personal help with their new experiences in polygamy are welcomed.  Helping others who are in the same situation as you actually works as a reverse form of therapy.  By helping others, you actually help yourself.  Do be aware, though, that not everyone is the same.  There may be some sisters who feel the discussion is just too personal and private.  Do not give up, though, in seeking out the help you may need.

I did end up calling one sister that, I had known some years prior.  She used to come to our masjid to give taleems for sisters.  Just having her listen to me and my knowing that she was in the same situation as myself was a comfort.  She never really said much on the phone; she mostly just listened, which is probably what I really needed most. I do remember her saying one time, “ You know I’ve been thinking about death lately.” My understanding of what she meant was that death is the true reality, and that this world is fleeting. Those few words meant so much to me at that time.

Some sisters have found their husbands to be their most valuable support. A husband who is caring, understanding, patient, and Allah fearing can be the crutch that is needed down the bumpy and tumultuous road of polygamy—in spite of the obvious conflict of interest.

An idea that was once suggested to me was a polygamous women’s support group workshop.  Because first wives and additional wives have problems that are unique or specific to their particular situation, it was suggested that there be separate groups for each.    There is information on the Internet and books in the library on support groups and how they are developed.  In fact, there are support groups for a host of problems such as drug abuse, rape survival, marital problems and child handicaps to name just a few.  Any of these groups would likely provide guidelines for developing a support group. 

I never did follow up on the support group idea.  Probably the main reason is that I felt my situation was too personal.  Maybe others feel the same as I do. Perhaps this is why I have found little Islamic information on the first wife’s perspective and experiences with polygamy in books or on the Internet.  Maybe much of this type of information from an Islamic perspective is still in Arabic. 

Sometimes support doesn’t have to be directly related to polygamy.  To some degree all pain is universal.  A hurt is a hurt.  Grief is grief.  There are others who are grieving for other reasons besides polygamy.  Attending Islamic lectures and Friday sermons can provide examples of how the prophets and companions of The Prophet (saw) struggled. Topics such as patience during tests are subjects that are frequently voiced during taleems and kutbas.  Reading books on the companions and life of The Prophet (saw) can provide spiritual inspiration, too.  We should also read Quran daily, not only for inspiration but also in an attempt to implement its teachings into our lives and make our struggle more bearable.

The most important support of all that we have in this world is Allah our Protector and Provider.  We should turn to Him often asking for help and forgiveness.  We should ask Him to make His path easy for us and to give us strength to carry on.  For without His help we will never be successful.

We should seek Allah’s help before the help of others.  Confidants, support groups, friends and relatives are all blessings from Allah that we can use to assist us through our struggle, but our first recourse should be directed to Allah through dua and prayer. Allah has said that we should seek help through prayer and patience.  May Allah bless us with patience to endure our trials in a way that will please Him.

 

COPING WITH A CO-WIFE

There is a hadith that says that The Prophet (saw) said:

No man loves another for Allah’s sake without his Lord who is Great and Glorious honoring him (Ahmed)

And

The action dearest to Allah Most High is love for Allah’s sake and hatred for Allah’s sake.

It is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife. Likewise, the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife. The first wife should try her utmost to control these feelings whenever they come.  She should attempt to treat the second wife as any other sister, with kindness.  Allah the Almighty knows how difficult these simple acts can be.  However, when we think about the hadith that says that one of the categories of people that will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement is the one who loves someone only for the sake of Allah, we have a great incentive to struggle our hardest in this effort.  On a day when some people will be sweating up to their necks, we have the hope of being in the pleasure of our Lord’s shade.

The above-mentioned ahadith are so important to remember.  Our sole reason for being here is to please Allah.  All of our words and bodily actions should be for Allah.  We say this several times a day during our daily prayers. We should try to disregard our emotional feelings and force ourselves to act according to the way Allah would want us to.   This includes treating those we may have problems with in the best way, in spite of our disagreements.  We should swallow hard and push ourselves to give all of our brothers and sisters their rights.

Giving salaams when we would rather not, smiling when we prefer to scowl, are all ways of showing love for someone only for the pleasure of Allah.  These situations put us in a position where we know in our heart that our actions are solely to please our Lord.  We are truly doing it only for Allah.

Of course none of us is perfect.  Sometimes we fall short of what Allah might demand of us.  When this happens, we should follow up our bad deeds with good deeds.  If we utter something we should not say or act in a way we should not behave, it would be good to send over a gift or some food. On the authority of Muaadh bin Jabal The Prophet said:

“Fear Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed—and it will wipe it out.  And behave well towards people."

Make dua for the sister.  When this is done, the angels make the same dua’ for you. Attempt to increase your good deeds in general. You can write letters or notes asking for forgiveness for transgressions you may have done that were wrong.  You never know when Allah may take you back to Him. On the Day of Judgment you will be happy you tried your best to have your improper deeds wiped away, insha’Allah. 

One hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said:

Reviling a Muslim is disobedience, to fight him is infidelity.

We are all human.  But we are Muslim humans.  The difference between the disbelievers and us is that we submit our wills to Allah.  Bickering and the like should be avoided to the best of our abilities.  It may not always be the first wife who instigates problems, though.  Sometimes it might be the second.  One hadith says:

When two men revile one another, what they say is laid to the charge of the one who began it, so long as the one who is wronged does not go over the score. (Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, retaliate equally, but forgiveness is better.  Retaliation for wrongdoing is allowed in Islam so long as we don’t go beyond the original harm done to us.  However, being able to forgive is best of all and Allah knows best.

The prophet (saw) used to say according to a hadith:

Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from objectionable character, deeds, passions and disease. (Tirmidhi)

Some sisters feel less of a respectable Muslim because they see other co-wives seemingly getting along together better than they.  But perceptions can sometimes be deceiving.  There have been times when people have complimented me on how well my husband’s second wife and I got along. They were unaware of the difficulties we experienced in privacy. You may sincerely be doing the best you can. That’s all a person can do.  May Allah help us all to please Him more. 

 I personally do believe that the perception of two sisters getting along can possibly be a good sign.  It might be an indication that the wife is trying her utmost to please Allah, and in spite of her struggles with her lower desires, she is still able to strive in Allah’s path and function in an Islamic manner.  Any sister who can interact amicably with the second wife, be it in public or private, should look at it as a blessing from her Lord.

Because of the resentment the first wife may have towards the second for marrying her husband, she might sometimes seek out reasons to argue with the second wife.   Much of this may be subconscious.  But a large amount may be quite conscious.  Restraint and patience is necessary in dealing with these feelings, because once you get started down this road, the situation can escalate to become unIslamic.  And once you do one thing inappropriate, it becomes easier to do others. Seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan, make dua for Allah to help you to control yourself and have patience.  

Because of the highly delicate situation between the first and second wives, the manner of solving problems may have to take on unusual approaches.  Some wives don’t have a compatible relationship where they are able to solve problems among themselves.  Any opportunity to problem resolution is bound to end up in harsh words.  Resolutions through husbands or a third party may be best for these wives.  For instance, if the first wife has a problem with the way the other sister treats the first wife’s children, rather than confront the other sister she can inform her husband of the problem and ask him to solve it.

Also, it might be a wise idea to disallow calls to one another’s home.  Phone calls are often made in feigned need but are really expressions of resentment and are intended to cause friction.  Many times calls are made to anger the other party or to interrupt activities or the serenity of the other household.  A third party that can honestly be trusted could be used as an intercessor that can convey from one household to another of any serious emergencies.  Most issues I have found can really wait.  For instance, if the stove or refrigerator stops working at night, the problem could be discussed with the husband the following day when he comes to your home or goes to work. Now that cell phones are in vogue, they can be used to help in these types of situations.  Text messaging is another idea.

Of course wives may use their husbands to get back at one another, too.  They may “tell” on the other wife to get on the better side of the husband.  There certainly are no clear-cut answers as to how to resolve problems among co-wives.  One can only fear Allah and act to the best of one’s abilities.  If all of this sounds a bit childish and immature then be advised--Polygamy is a situation that can bring out feelings and behaviors in a first wife that she never thought she had.  Jealousy, anger, pain and hurt are emotions that block reason, promote insecurity, and open the door to Shaitan.  This is all part of the trial of polygamy.  The Prophet’s (saw) wives experienced jealousy between themselves.  There’s even a hadith where Ali, The Prophet’s son-in-law was contemplating marriage to Abu Jahl’s daughter while he was still married to Fatimah, The Prophet’s (saw) daughter.  The Prophet said that Fatimah and Abu Jahl’s daughter could not be married to Ali at the same time.  He stated that what hurts Fatimah hurts him and he didn’t want her trialed in her religion. (Bukhari.)  I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith, but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet  (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy.

The issue of jealousy is an interesting one to address because the husband plays such a crucial part in this area.  A wife cannot really force her husband to be fair.  And most women are uncomfortable with complaining to an elder relative or leader of the community to get their rights, although if the situation is serious enough, that may be her only recourse.  The areas where a wife can become jealous are innumerable.  They can range from the amount of extra time—even minutes—that the husband spends with the other wife to gifts, groceries, or type of home and furnishings.  Even his demeanor with the other wife can become a source of jealousy. The list can go on and on.

Jealousies over natural features Allah may have bestowed upon the second wife and not on the first come in to play as well.  A hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said look at the one below you not above you so that you will be thankful for Allah’s favors on you.  Certainly there may be some characteristics that the other wife may have that the first wife will desire to have.  If you contemplate the issue, however, there are sure to be things that you have that the other lacks.  Physical appearance is just one focus of mutual jealousies, but think about other assets Allah may have blessed you with.  Temperament, cooking abilities, crafts, mental talents, education, child rearing and many other skills and qualities are areas you may be more blessed in than the other sister.  In the end, though, the most important quality to be thankful for is your level of faith, which manifests itself through your deeds.

To the best of your ability try not to be suspicious.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) said avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the most lying form of talk (Bukhari, Muslim).  It is best to take the best conjecture and assume there is a reasonable excuse for your husband’s behavior.  Questioning your husband may be the inevitable recourse to allay your concerns and fears of unfairness.  Tactfulness and proper timing are highly suggested.  Most husbands, I would imagine truly fear Allah and don’t want any problems between their wives.  For these reasons most husbands try to be fair.  There may be times when he falls short of his duty.  The wife can handle this in a number of ways.  She may choose to discuss her observations with her husband, or she may decide to overlook it with the hope of receiving Allah’s reward.  The severity of the circumstances may dictate a sister’s actions.  I will say that sometimes if problems are left unsettled and not discussed, they can build to a crescendo to where the sister may be inclined to express herself in an inappropriate manner.

The two sisters themselves should certainly avoid doing things that would arouse jealousy in the other.  The temptation to retaliate is quite strong.  And after all, there are enough naturally occurring problems in polygamy, creating them is a waste of energy and blessings.

Jealousy, anger, anguish and pain are all feelings that a first wife in polygamy is likely to feel.  Whenever you feel these uncomfortable emotions, remember, your sins are being forgiven, insha’Allah.  Allah tests those he loves in this life so that they will have paradise in the hereafter. 

You may find that your relationship with your co-wife may have ups and downs as with many other personal relationships.  For months you may manage to get along well, other times you may not be on the best of terms.  All of this is part of the trial of polygamy.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to be on “salaams” terms and that is it.  I have no other interaction with the sister beyond that.  I have found that it closes the door to any opportunity where I might say what I should not say or do what I should not do.  

When trying to deal with and interact with the other wife it may help to try to see the person as a whole with weaknesses, pain, vulnerabilities, having a mother and father and the like.  Too often first wives focus on only one aspect of the second wife. They see them only as the woman who married their husband.  I personally have a problem in this area.

 

EFFECT ON CHILDREN

I have heard it said that children are the innocent victims of divorce. They can be the innocent victims of polygamy as well.  No matter how much a mother may love her children, if she is in bereavement, she cannot optimally tend to the emotional and psychological needs of her children.  Even physical needs may suffer to some degree.  A mother who is highly stressed from grief and whose self esteem has been shattered may not be up to cooking full course meals, dressing her kids in crisply ironed clothes or giving them the personal attention they need from her. 

During the earlier period of polygamy, I spent a major part of the day lying in bed due to depression.  I neglected the housework and virtually lived in my bed.  In many ways the children were motherless.  They were left pretty much to fend for themselves throughout the house.  The close personal contact and interaction that kids need was just not there.  It is not that I did not love my children.  It is just that I was so preoccupied with my personal pain.  Infants need coddling.  Toddlers need to be read to.  Older children need attention, as well.  There is no doubt that isolation and an environment that lacks stimulation retards a child’s motor, intellectual and social development.  Children need attention and interaction.

I personally know of a sister who had several children. One was an infant at the time of the  husband taking a second wife and the other was born not long after the father had taken a second wife. One of the two children was later found to have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) with signs of an emotional disturbance and behavioral disorders. The other was discovered to be mentally handicapped.  The mother expressed that she believed her children were suffering from these problems due to depression she experienced as a result of polygamy. And Allah is the All Knower.

Children can sense the tension in their mother at a very young age.  Not only do they sense a disturbance in their mother, but from what I’ve read, mother’s breast milk can be affected, too, which can also affect the child. 

Another problem that occurs when a mother is severely depressed is that her methods of discipline may be too harsh, too lenient and/or inconsistent.  Children need structure, consistency and limits.  They feel uncomfortable with too much freedom.  A grieving mother who is depressed may not be suitably aware of her children’s misbehavior and thus miss disciplining them at all.  Or she may be too reactive and correct too harshly.  Depression is a real ailment that has a debilitating effect on the person who is suffering from it.  I do not think this is the time or place for me to discuss medical recommendations for its control.  My intent is to let first wives who may be experiencing some of the same symptoms that I mentioned above be aware of its effects on their children.  I personally never received medical help for my depression.  I am not even certain that I actually knew I was suffering from it at the time. Whether or not one should seek professional help is a personal issue.  However, one suggestion to help the children would be to use their extended family members to help give the children the time and attention they need.

Although I was greatly affected by my depression, I can recall reluctantly forcing myself to attend community functions during Ramadan, Eid and other special occasions. I knew how important these events were to my children so I attended for their sake alone.  So I guess a mother still tries her best to do what she can for her children even though she may be suffering emotionally and mentally.

Polygamy often leads to frequent and extensive verbal disagreements between mother and father in the home.  And although children may appear unaware of the happenings in the home, they are very much aware of the heightened tensions between Mommy and Daddy.  When children constantly hear their parents argue, their self-esteem can be affected.  The pillars in a child’s family are the mother and father. As much as possible, all differences should be handled behind closed doors and preferably out of ear shy of the children.

Although children can suffer from the negative interactions that result from problems in polygamy, they can also benefit by the positive ones.  Seeing Mom and Dad continually trying to persevere in maintaining their marital relationship, in spite of their enormous difficulties, is a valuable experience for the children.  By seeing their parents remain married even though they have problems, children observe a living example of how to handle crises in a marriage, insha’Allah.  They can see that even though marriages may have periods of hardhship, the two spouses can still persist in maintaining their relationship. Certainly there will be times when one or both parents may not be able to handle themselves in the best Islamic manner. But none of us is perfect. We must remember to ask Allah to forgive us when we fall short of pleasing Him, and never give up trying to do better.  One hadith in (Muslim) says:

“If you did not commit sins and turn to Allah, seeking His forgiveness, He would have replaced you with another people who would ask Allah’s forgiveness and He would forgive them.”

Because of the enormous difficulty involved with living in a polygamous marriage, a sister is forced to grow closer to Allah—in order to survive living in polygamy. This is because she will be doing the good deeds that strengthen her to continue in such an emotionally draining relationship. For instance, she may find herself pleading to her Lord at night during tahajjud, reading and listening to Quran more frequently, and a host of other praiseworthy actions, in order to receive help from Allah enabling her to carry on. 

Of course not all actions of the parents will be made apparent—such as dhikering silently, making dua to oneself silently, asking Allah for forgiveness and what have you.  Nevertheless, the parents still provide a positive example for their children, because as the parents gain a reservoir of coping mechanisms from their experiences, this knowledge can be imparted unto their children when the children encounter their own personal problems in live, which is inevitable as they grow and mature.

I need not mention the enormous literature written on the negative effects that divorce has on children.  The libraries and bookstores are full of them.  Many couples in polygamy have stayed together for the sake of their children.  By the mercy of Allah, the future of Islam is in our children.  How can we expect strong Muslim leaders to develop from broken homes?  The family is the basis of society.  It is not an easy decision to make, but struggling to hold the family together for the sake of children for the pleasure of Allah is a noble endeavor and great accomplishment.

Some wives may feel that they are stuck in polygamy because of their children and look at that negatively, but sometimes having limitations can be a benefit.  It forces you to be patient and persistent in whatever your situation is. Those who have many options often opt out of difficult situations and may end up in situations that are worse than the one they opted out of.  In addition, one doesn’t get a chance to learn how to work through problems.

 

SURVIVORS

Not all sisters choose to remain in a polygamous marriage.   Leaving a polygamous relationship may be the right thing to do for some.  For the sisters who do continue this enormously difficult struggle, by the grace and mercy of Allah, we must keep in mind that no one on this earth is perfect. We are all humans, and prone to episodes of weakness.  But Allah Most High is Oft-forgiving Most Merciful.  During periods when we fall short of pleasing Allah we must ask Him for forgiveness and follow up a bad deed with a good one.  We must try our best to continue ascending that steep path until Allah decides to take our soul.

There is a hadith where a slave woman had epileptic seizures, which caused her private parts to be revealed.  She asked The Prophet (saw) to ask Allah to take away the seizures.  The Prophet (saw) said, if you remain patient you will be rewarded, but if you wish I will ask Allah.  She said, "Then just ask Him to prevent my private parts from being revealed." (Bukhari)

If the first wife in polygamy didn’t have this for a test, she certainly would be tried with something else.  And who knows, that other test might be worse than this one.  It may be that we’re running from one burdensome predicament to another that is far worse.  Endure and expect reward is the motto for the first wife in polygamy.  Dying as a Muslim--and preferably a good one--is our ultimate goal in life.  So if we can endure one of the most heartbreaking, humiliating, and painful trials a woman can experience, then congratulations and good tidings for the patient ones.

In closing, I’d like to say that the Muslim sister who finds herself in this situation can only live through this struggle herself.  I am quite aware that no one can really talk her through it.  Having the support systems of the community, family, books etc. are enormous blessings on this difficult road.  However, ultimately the struggle is the sister’s alone and there is nothing anyone can say or write, nor pill that can be swallowed that will make “everything all right.”  I’ve written this book as a reminder to assist sisters like myself who are trying to struggle down a difficult road.  And a reminder is good for the believer.

According to one hadith, The Prophet (saw) said, “By He in whose hands is my soul, Allah does not decree any matter for the believer but that it is good for him.  If any blessing befalls him, he is thankful to Allah and that is good for him.  If any harm comes to him he is patient and that is also good for him.  This is a bounty exclusive for the believers.” (Muslim)

 

 

Glory be to Allah with His praises. Glory be to You, O Allah, with Your praises, I bear witness that there is no God besides You.  I beg Your forgiveness and repent to You.