Successful Muslim Marriage provides Muslim mothers with the wisdom and ways to stay married . . . through the difficult times, Bi'ithnillah.
| PREFACE All praise is due to Allah the Most High. May peace and blessings be upon His Prophet, Muhammad. First, I’d like to make it clear that I am no Islamic scholar. I have been a Muslim for over three decades—and I hope my life experiences in trying to please Allah will be of some benefit to my sisters who read this book, insha’Allah. The proper word for a marriage where only the man may marry more than one spouse is polygany. I have chosen to use the word that is most commonly understood for this type of marriage—polygamy--to aid in connotation and smoother flow of reading. To avoid revealing my identity, I will be vague in some forms of information that would otherwise be specific. I’ve been Muslim for over 30 years. I’ve been in polygamy for a majority of those years. My purpose in writing Coping with Polygamy: A First Wife’s Jihad is that I felt it was needed. When my husband took a second wife, words cannot explain the deep hurt, pain, anguish and shame that I felt. Because I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, I was hesitant to discuss with other sisters who were in polygamy the problems I was experiencing. I’m sure there are many other sisters who have found themselves in a situation similar to mine and who feel the same way. So I wrote this book to help sisters who may find themselves struggling in polygamy like me. I feel it important to say that this book is written from the perspective of a first wife. Many of the experiences that a first wife goes through, the additional wives do also. However, the first wife’s position is very unique in that her initial inception into the polygamous relationship is generally one of extreme difficulty of which she would prefer not to enter into if given a choice, whereas, the additional wife generally is a willing participant in such situations. Also, the first wife generally has nothing to gain from the marriage. She is actually losing her husband in some respects and also loses social status. The second wife on the other hand has something to gain in the relationship. She obtains a new husband and generally a higher status as a result. For the second wife the marriage is usually one of happiness, whereas for the first wife it is a time of possibly one of the biggest hardships of her life. I hope and pray that Allah Most High accepts this as a sincere effort to please Him by trying to ease the burden of others. I hope that my intentions are sincere and may Allah Most High forgive me for anything that I may have written or said that is unacceptable to Him, for I am truly fallible and only human. I ask the reader to please make du’a that Allah blesses me in this and forgives me my sins. May He forgive you all your sins, as well INTRODUCTION In this book you will not find extensive arguments regarding Islamic judgments on polygamy, for I am no Islamic scholar. Nor will you find information on the benefits of polygamy for men who are overly sexually endowed or whose wives are barren or ill. All of that and more can be found in almost any general book on Islam written by Muslims. What you will find in this book, insha’Allah, is how it feels to be in polygamy as a first wife. You will see how a wife’s life is turned upside down and changed overnight from a life that is familiar, to one that is full of turmoil. You will find, insha’Allah, that polygamy presents an enormous trial for the first wife that is placed in it. You will also find, insha’Allah, that as difficult as polygamy may be, Allah, glory be to Him the Most High, may bless good to come from such a hardship. (Next week, insha'Allah: The Shock)
Grandma Jeddah's
Peaceful Muslim Familiesemail: info@grandmajeddah.comwebsite: www.grandmajeddah.com http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/ http://successfulmuslimmarriage.blogspot.com/ |
Coping with Polygamy:
A First Wife’s Jihad
By Umm Janna
(Part 2 of 4 Part Series)
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| THE SHOCK The intensity and persistence of the pain and hurt that I felt when my husband took another wife was unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my life. Most of us probably associate the most difficult trial of all with the loss of a loved one. When I first began writing this book, about 13 years ago, I hadn’t lost anyone in my family that was very close to me. Since then I have; that was certainly a difficult period in my life. Every situation is different, though, and everyone’s reality is different. For me, polygamy continues to be the most difficult trial I have ever had to deal with. We thank Allah for the good and the bad. I remember quite vividly the day my husband broke the news to me. My husband, children and I were riding home in the car. As we pulled up into the driveway for my husband to let us out before he parked, he said, “I’m marrying the sister.” I suddenly felt numb and dazed, robot-like. I got out of the car, unlocked the front door and entered the house. I felt almost like in a dream world. I can recall waiting for him to say he was just kidding. But he never did. The first night was the most traumatic of all, although many other nights and days competed closely. Because I was still pretty much in shock, the reality of what this all meant to me hadn’t really set in. What I did realize was a gut wrenching agony, loneliness and sadness. The loneliness was beyond loneliness where I wished for companionship. It was a loneliness of emptiness, one of loss. It was at this point that I realized that I had no one but my Lord—Allah. I do not recall sleeping at all that entire night. I made dhikr almost continuously. When I wasn’t making dhikr I was making salat and dua. And through all of it I cried…probably the whole night through. For every pain that a Muslim experiences even the pricking of his finger with a thorn, some of his sins are forgiven. (Bukhari) Some people feel they are being weak if they cry. But according to one hadith, the Prophet (saw) cried when he was saddened. And he is the best of models. When the son of The Prophet’s daughter was dying, she sent for The Prophet (saw). He sent a message back for her to be patient. She sent for him again. He then met her and held the baby. Tears fell from his eyes. His companion asked, “Oh Rasullulah, what is this?” He said, “They are tears of mercy. And Allah does not have mercy on those who do not have mercy.” (Bukhari) Grief and sadness are normal reactions to the loss of something that is dear to us. It is normal to cry. It is normal to be sad. But it is also a time to be highly conscience of Shaitan. Shaitan is a sworn adversary of man, and he knows our weaknesses. This is an opportune time for him to take advantage of our vulnerabilities. That evening, before my husband left to marry his second wife, I recall making a conscious choice to either go into a raging fit or be patient. Allah Most High blessed me and helped me to be patient. According to a hadith, The Prophet (saw) said: Patience is at the first strike of calamity. (Bukhari) I have had many weak moments since that first day. But I feel that one of the reasons Allah has blessed me to hold on to His rope rather than let go is because of the patience that He allowed me to have at the first moments of my calamity. And Allah knows best. The importance of remembering Allah at this initial time cannot be over emphasized. The Prophet (saw) has given us du’as to say at the time of trials. According to hadith some du’as for distress are: Oh Allah: In thy mercy I have hope. So leave me not to myself for one instant, and set right my affairs. There is no God but You. (Abu Daud) Oh You Living Eternal One! To Your mercy I Appeal! (Tirmidhi) There is no deity but Allah, The Magnificent, The Clement. There is no Deity except Allah. Lord of The Magnificent Throne. There is no Deity but Allah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth, Lord of the Glorious Throne! (Bukhari, Muslim) When going through a trial as difficult as polygamy, we need all the weapons and defenses we can gather to help stay focused on why we are here in the first place—to worship Allah. One of the most trying situations I experienced was when I saw my husband’s second wife the next day after they were married. Although all sorts of things passed through my mind as to what I would like to have said, Allah blessed me to be patient. When you ask Allah over and over to bless you to be strong, you may be surprised at how strong He can make you. He truly has power over all things. I wanted to spend as little time as possible with her at this time, or anyone else for that matter. Although I felt resentment and betrayed, for some reason I can remember pushing myself to be very sociable with the sister. Years later I would opt for a relationship that was more distant and dis-involved. I will explain why later. (Next week, insha'Allah: The Depression) Grandma Jeddah's Peaceful Muslim Familiesemail: info@grandmajeddah.comwebsite: www.grandmajeddah.com http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/ http://successfulmuslimmarriage.blogspot.com/ |